Girly Night In

View from Uncle Ian's house :) Scotland

After a lovely girly night in I have had time to reflect on the past couple of weeks.  I spent the night chit chatting with Monika from Wool Stories (https://www.facebook.com/WoolStories?ref=ts&fref=ts), Lindsay Day from (https://www.facebook.com/evajeanie?ref=ts&fref=ts) and Michelle Bilson from Button it (http://michellebuttonit.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/its-good-to-talk.html) 

We chatted about all sorts of things, craft things, current projects, selling on sites and facebook, post natal depression and mostly Monika's cake :) Yum yum...

But before I share and bare all about who I am and what eats away at me every day I just want you to know I'm ok and I'm a happy soul, most of the time.  I want to share because what I'm about to tell you always comes with a dark stigma that people like me are a bit bonkers.  Well I am but I like to think it's in a good way.  I just want anyone who feels this way to know that there is more than what the doctors offer.  People say when you are ready a teacher can be found.  I totally believe this phrase and I hope that I could offer just one other sole comfort in that I believe one day I will feel better.

After a very stressful couple of weeks what with my parents moving away five hours up the road to Scotland, my anxiety going through the roof with well my own anxiety disorder about just about anything.  Kids have illnesses, and time off school and it all leads to no crafting time, break downs, tears, tiredness and of course no stamp orders at all.  Saying that I've had a couple of productive days, like I'm catching up in mind and orders.

We left last Thursday to help my parents move house and well we didn't do very much to help at all.  Felt like spare parts that got in the way, especially with the kids running around and not really knowing what to un-pack and where. We spent some nice time with family members up there, Uncle Ian and Auntie Liz who cooked and looked after us for two nights and lovely it was too.  Managed to get a visit from my cousin Craig with his good lady.  He always makes me smile and I haven't seen him in the flesh since I was about 17 I think as I was learning to drive then.  I'm 34 now. 

Look too fast and you'll miss it, the remote control helicopter

Uncle Ian, showing the boys the solar system

 
On the way home we visited and stayed with my Auntie Deborah & Uncle Gary and I waffled on about stuff way too much like I always do!  And of course we were visited by my lovely Nana who lives just around the corner whilst we stayed in Lincoln and it's always nice to get a big warm welcoming huggle from her. Uncle Gary cooked a mummysday breakfast, yummy fresh eggs (from Scotland) scrambled with smoked salmon, bagels and fresh ground coffee bought from Stokes coffee 'I think' from Lincoln, yum yum.

On the Monday I broke down and I think it was from a loss and being tired from all the journeying around.  Mostly I just felt hopeless and helpless that Mum and Dad had gone.  I suffer from anxiety disorders brought on by 'Who knows!' Life's ups and downs, challenges, losses and stresses.  When I'm like it and in the thick of it I find it really hard to come through the other side or even think I'll feel normal ever again.  And with Mum & Dad gone, my life line when times are tough were no longer around to call on.  The doctors treat my anxiety like depression, same medication, same well more medication.  I went down the 'Mind' route and CBT myself.  I did go back to the doctors and well I was offered more medication.  Beta blockers, diazepam, sertralene, hormone treatment.  You name it! I've tried it, I'll give anything a go not to feel like this. 

I suffer with panic attacks, monophobia (being on my own) Agoraphobia (don't want to go outside) and crowded places, driving on my own, but mostly it's night time on my own, looking after the house and my two little boys and two little dogs.  I go like a startled deer and find myself in a locked frightened state and sometimes actually can't move.  This is the first time I've written this down and it's a little (well a lot) weird sharing it, as you might/will judge!

I'm seeing a therapist now and so much is becoming very clear about why I'm like what I'm like and what I can do to not be like it, although it's taking some time and some mind altering thought processes.  Mostly CBT, meditation & talking therapy. 

I don't take anti-depressants anymore as it never really helped, it just numbed it for a while whilst I couldn't cope.  I'd never say never though and if I was there again, I'd probably take it all over again.

I guess I'm saying all of this because, without my good friends and good guidance through MIND and books I would have thought I was going mad.  I believe I would have got lost in the system and turned to something greater than diazepam and beta blockers and sertralene because I just wanted to stop the feelings.  I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live either. and sometimes like this last week I'm right back there all over again 5 years later.  My anxiety comes in waves and sometimes it's too scary for words and sometimes it's just a little bit of a palpy heart that will pass.  Sometimes I'm actually bored! Well I've had one and it was AMAZING!  Oh to be bored!


That's enough for now and for those of you waiting to see how the doily stamp cushion project is going to turn out.  I've nearly finished it, the stamp that is, not the cushion :)

xxx
And on an even better note, I think we may have found our new favorite sausages 'Wee Willie Winkies' Apparently you can buy them from Tesco's in England but that's all ;)

Wee Willie Winkes